2 mind-boggling questions

I laid my ass to bed the whole day yesterday. My temperature rose up to 41 degrees. I was really feeling very hot and weak.  I puked in the middle of the night and to top that, my asthma kept recurring.  I had these two for the past four days.  I had a movie marathon as I rested.  Ahh, quality time with myself again. And just when I have this quality time, I always end up with the one question I always have trouble answering: what would become of me a few years from now?  And with this question, it follows that I worry if I might even finish the course that I am in right now, and if not, surely, I would be working and then I would also be asking myself yet another question: if I work, I know I’d get a wage around minimum and that would take me time to reach my goal (oh good! Now I have a goal!) – To get rich!

Life is full of questions.  I am in to this situation where all my life, I have been an obedient daughter to my parents, especially my father (on the brighter side, I gained their trust).  As to making big decisions, it is always daddy who has the last say in the house.  He chose my course in college and by the time I graduated, he said I should take up the law course.  Submissive as I am, I took it – to please him and because, I have yet a goal to pursue by that time, all I knew was that, I’d be filthy rich in the future. And so the task of deciding always goes to daddy.  That aspect of him left me and my mother (I am not quite certain with my other siblings) indecisive.  Yea, we decide but we never put that decision into action.  It left me the inability to make up my mind.  When I do make up my mind, I’m always scared to put it into action for the simple reason that I might fail.  And I might regret and tell myself I should have listened to daddy in the first place.  Now I hate this trait of mine.  Daddy has this power to manipulate the people in the house, (manipulate in a good kind of way as he wants what he thinks is best) the least he can manipulate is kamille.  Kamille is as stubborn as hell and she gets what she wants.  Now, I am faced with the dilemma of thinking how I would fair in my life.  I am into a course which I was half-hearted in taking then and now and I want release!  Release from that boring school, and boring lifestyle.  Party?  As for the moment, I can say that I got tired of drinking and partying during the weekends. You’ll just have this moment when you want to stop because it’s becoming more of like a routine, and it is not always fun spending a hundred bucks for a cab after a night’s round of drinks.  That is so not healthy for my piggy bank! 

Nevertheless, I once made a major decision and that was the time I decided to quit law school for the meantime.  I made that decision because my emotions were raging.  It was a very dramatic phase in my life.  I am only capable of making decisions during times when my emotions are high, and believe me, I decide on impulse and that’s way not healthy. My father always said no because “sayang,” then I never really listened to him.  As a result, I had myself working in a law firm for five months to pay what was left of my tuition fees’ balance. Every working day I watered two pots of plants, I buy food outside the office during lunch time (the food was for free though) and I wash dishes aside from bookkeeping (in truth, there was only three books to keep and the duty was never really that tedious because documents were only sent in the office once in a blue moon.  So my task only revolved on domestic chores which I do not normally do at home.  Lol!).   By the way, I also stamp contracts and affidavits.  Typical work of a person employed in a law firm.  Honestly speaking, I got bored with my job, so I quit.  And I got intimidated by my bosses and I cannot really work naturally once I get intimidated and when people start to expect so much of me.  For all these, I did not regret I stopped law school that time.  Although the reason for the decision was very flimsy, I never regretted it.  I did not even regret I got my ass kicked in san carlos because I knew I would eventually leave san carlos by then.

After those decisions, there were also minor ones. As I can recall, I felt no ruefulness after.  If I don’t decide on matters with raging emotions, I decide for things after much thought.  Just made a decision in the past couple of months about a person, and now, I don’t really regret it.  I am now in a peaceful state without that person.

I am straying again for my point.  And so, here I am with the dreadful question. When I took a bath, I just got teary-eyed because I don’t know where I am going.  I needed someone to talk to and I am so grateful banzon called. We talked for a couple of minutes and just when the conversation was warming up, boom! My cellular phone went dead! Tough luck! !@#&%^*^*#%@^ every now and then, it has its seizures.   I hope he will call again these days.

When I was appalled by my thoughts, it made me wonder how it feels like being alone in a place you are foreign to.  I thought of going to another place and start from scratch.  I want to know how it feels like to live independently.  I want to earn my own money, pay my bills and send myself to law school in the same time.  I want to do it where other people cannot control whatever it is I might decide to do.  I just want to be ME. Learn from my mistakes and everything.  That would be harsh, but I just want to taste what the real life is offering.

And then it goes down to the second biggest question:  WHEN CAN I PULL THIS OFF?!

(P.S.  when I was high of fever; I did not take a bath, the next morning, when I found myself in the mirror, it was one of the times I looked beautiful.  I find myself beautiful when I don’t take a bath, no joke!  But that doesn’t mean I do not take a bath, my god! I take a bath everyday.  Only when I haven’t yet taken a bath that I look beautiful.  When I do not cover (or hide?!) my face with powder or make-up. I look peacefully beautiful.  I think that’s how people should appreciate physical beauty)


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